Why Being Around Family Feels So Triggering: How Attachment Wounds Show Up During the Holidays

(A Trauma Therapist in Missouri Explains)

Why Being Around Family Feels So Triggering: How Attachment Wounds Show Up During the Holidays

The holidays can be complicated.

You may love your family… and still feel anxious. You may look forward to traditions… and still dread certain interactions. You may feel “fine” all year — until you walk through the doorway of your childhood home.

If you’ve ever wondered “Why do I feel like I’m 10 years old again around my family?” or “Why do the holidays make my anxiety skyrocket?” — you’re not imagining it.

There’s a very real, trauma-informed, attachment-based reason behind it.

As a trauma and attachment therapist in Missouri, I see this every year with clients.

And there’s nothing wrong with you — your nervous system is simply responding to old emotional blueprints.

Let’s talk about why this happens… and what you can do to feel more grounded this season.

The Holidays Aren’t “Just Stressful” — They’re Activating

Family gatherings have a unique way of pulling you back into old roles:

• The responsible one
• The quiet one
• The emotional one
• The peacemaker
• The good girl
• The fixer
• The one who “doesn’t make a fuss”

Even if you’ve grown, healed, and changed — being around the people tied to your earliest wounds can make your nervous system feel unsafe again.

Your brain remembers:

• tone of voice
• emotional patterns
• criticism
• chaos
• unpredictability
• unspoken expectations

And when those memories get activated, your body responds faster than your thinking brain.

This isn’t weakness — it’s neuroscience.

How Attachment Styles React During the Holidays

Anxious Attachment

You might:
• worry about being judged
• feel responsible for keeping everyone happy
• become hyper attuned to others’ emotions
• fear disappointing someone

Avoidant Attachment

You might:
• shut down or become distant
• feel drained quickly
• avoid emotional conversations
• crave space but feel guilty

Disorganized Attachment

You might feel:
• pulled between wanting connection and wanting to escape
• overwhelmed by emotions
• confused about how to respond
• unsafe in unpredictable dynamics

Secure Attachment

Even securely attached adults can feel:
• overwhelmed by family pressure
• unsettled by old memories
• overstimulated or exhausted

The holidays activate your oldest attachment wiring, not your current level of growth.
This is why even very self-aware people get dysregulated.

Why You Feel “10 Years Old Again” Around Family

This is one of the most common things I hear from clients. And sometimes, clients report seeing this in their partner (“why does he act so different around his mom?” “why does she act so different around her dad?”)

Why?

Because your body remembers trauma and emotional conditioning long before your conscious mind does.

Being around the people tied to your early experiences can reactivate:

• memories stored in your nervous system
• feelings you never got to process
• attachment wounds from childhood
• fear of conflict
• fear of being criticized
• fear of not being “enough”

This is also why EMDR is so effective — it helps your brain reprocess those stuck emotional imprints so you no longer live from them.

How Holiday Triggers Show Up in Your Body

Even if you don’t consciously feel “triggered,” your body might be saying otherwise:

• tight chest
• irritability
• stomach knots
• overwhelm
• shutting down
• racing thoughts
• sensitivity to noise
• fatigue
• feeling spaced out

These are all signs that your nervous system is overstimulated or in survival mode.

Emotionally Immature or Narcissistic Family Members Intensify This

Many of my clients grew up with emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or unpredictable parents.

When you see them again, your system may automatically revert to:

• people-pleasing
• caretaking
• staying small
• avoiding conflict
• trying to keep the peace
• shutting down your needs

You’re not “backtracking.”
You’re responding to the environment you learned in.

Grounding Tools for When You’re with Family

Here are a few ways to feel safe, steady, and in control again:

1. The 5-Second Pause

Before responding, take 1 deep breath.
This interrupts the old pattern before you fall into it.

2. Soften Your Body

Drop your shoulders
Unclench your jaw
Loosen your hands

This tells your nervous system: “I am safe.”

3. Give Yourself Micro-Breaks

Step outside
Go to the bathroom
Take a 2-minute walk

These resets are powerful.

4. Prepare 1–2 Boundaries

“I’m going to take a quick break.”
“I’m not available to talk about that today.”
“I’m stepping outside for air, I’ll be back in a few.”

Soft. Respectful. Protective.

5. Plan Your Exits (emotionally or physically)

Staying grounded is easier when you know you have options.

6. Self-soothe quietly

• tap your fingers
• feel your feet
• slow your breath
• hold a warm drink
• repeat: “This isn’t then.”

You’re an adult now with choices and autonomy — even if your body forgets that for a moment.

When Family Stress Spills Into Your Relationship

The holidays are one of the biggest triggers for couple conflict because:

• stress makes communication harder
• one or both partners get dysregulated
• attachment cycles activate
• old wounds show up in current interactions

You might notice:
• feeling misunderstood
• shutting down
• getting snappy
• feeling distant
• wanting more reassurance than usual

This is normal — and also repairable.

If you and your partner want to navigate these patterns with more connection and less conflict, you might find my couples course helpful.

When to Reach Out for Support

If the holidays bring up:

• old trauma
• chronic overwhelm
• anxiety spikes
• panic
• exhaustion
• emotional flashbacks
• difficulty in relationships

…therapy can help you understand and regulate these experiences.

And if you’re in Missouri, I offer trauma, anxiety, and attachment-focused therapy via telehealth — from Springfield to Kansas City to St. Louis and everywhere in between.

If this season is feeling heavy, you don’t have to carry it alone.

🌿 Learn more about trauma & attachment therapy in Missouri

🌿 Download the free Attachment Wounds + Relationship Triggers Guide

🌿 Explore “Roadmap for Couples” — a therapist-led course to rebuild emotional connection

You deserve peace — not pressure — during the holidays.