When Valentine’s Day Brings Up More Than Flowers: A Therapist’s Take on Self-Love
Valentine’s Day gets a lot of hype. There’s a lot of pressure to show off what you got—flowers, gifts, cards, gestures that prove you’re loved.
I remember even in middle school and high school there was pressure to receive a Valentine at school. Even if you didn’t have someone to send one to you, it still felt like you needed to be one of the people who received something. Maybe from a best friend, a family member—someone. And for many of us, that pressure didn’t end there. It simply followed us into adulthood.
Now, instead of cards in a classroom, it’s social media posts, dinner reservations, and carefully curated moments that seem to say, “See? I’m chosen. I’m loved.”
It’s easy to get caught in comparison during this time of year. But here’s the thing—comparison isn’t self-love.
It’s self-betrayal. And Valentine’s Day has a way of quietly inviting us into that trap.
What I See in Therapy Around Valentine’s Day
Around this time of year, I notice a clear pattern in therapy.
People start reflecting more on self-love, self-appreciation, their values, and whether they’re truly building themselves up—or constantly tearing themselves down. Many begin to feel like self-love is something they’ve failed at. There’s pressure to feel happy, grateful, and “secure enough,” even when internally they feel anything but.
And for those who are single, there’s often an especially painful narrative that surfaces:
“If I’m single, it must mean I’m unlovable.”
Let me be very clear: this is not true.
Relationship status is not a measure of your worth, your lovability, or your capacity for deep connection. But when anxiety, attachment wounds, or past relational trauma are present, this belief can feel incredibly convincing.
So… What Is Self-Love, Really?
Self-love isn’t about forcing positivity, pretending you’re okay, or convincing yourself you don’t need anyone.
Self-love is:
Treating yourself with the same compassion you offer others
Honoring your needs instead of minimizing them
Staying connected to your values—even when comparison shows up
Choosing self-trust over self-criticism
Self-love looks more like:
Not abandoning yourself to fit in
Not shaming yourself for having needs
Not using comparison as motivation
Treating yourself with the same compassion you offer others
Sometimes, self-love looks like celebrating.
Other times, it looks like letting yourself grieve, rest, or opt out.
And often, it looks like not measuring your worth by what Valentine’s Day looks like this year.
If You’re Working on Self-Love Right Now, Here Are a Few Things to Remember
Whether you’re in a relationship or not:
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are not failing at self-love because it feels hard.
Self-love is a practice—especially for those who learned early on to earn love through performance, caretaking, or perfectionism.
Instead of asking, “Why is this still hard for me?”
Try asking, “What am I learning about myself right now?”
That question alone can be an act of self-love.
Gentle Next Steps (If You Want Support)
If this time of year brings up attachment patterns, self-criticism, or old relational wounds, you don’t have to navigate that alone.
💛 Free Guide: Understanding Your Attachment Style
💛 Free Guide: How to Quiet the Inner Critic
💛 Schedule a Consultation: Explore whether therapy could be a supportive next step for you
Self-love isn’t about proving anything—especially not on Valentine’s Day.
It’s about staying connected to yourself, even when the noise gets loud.
